Walking the beer aisle at the grocery store, I happened to notice quite a few six/four packs missing one bottle. Now, maybe this is some sort of regular phenomenon, I wouldn’t know since beer shopping is usually Gerald’s job, but I thought this was kind of odd. I started wondering where the missing bottles disappeared to. I mean, could it be good-for-nothing law breaking kids? Could it be a neighborhood homeless person or vagrant who needs their alcohol fix but they don’t have the funds? And then, how does one steal these bottles? Do they slide them in their purse or pocket <that has to be one big pocket!> when they think no one is looking? I’m thinking there have to be cameras all over that aisle at the store. Hasn’t Kroger ever heard of yahooing beer?
For those of you who have never heard of yahooing beer, I found a description on the internet. <where else?> And to enhance your reading experience, I have paraphrased and thoughtfully added my own commentary.
Yahooing beer is the act of running into a store <a convenience store usually works best, note takers>, grabbing a six-pack <because it’s easier than grabbing and running with a 12-pack or case, silly>, and running out while yelling “Yahooooo!” <I doubt anyone actually does this yelling part; pretty sure you just run like hell.> The whole process should take you no longer than 20 seconds, any longer and the clerk may have time to act <and you want to be G-O-N-E, gone>.
Hmm… I suppose the missing single beers mystery at Kroger is not due to yahooing. So I have to assume it’s different people taking these individual bottles one at a time, over a period of time. I’m just unable to comprehend it at all. I don’t have even a tiny bit of the criminal mentality. In fact, I’m so far away from the criminal mind that I still feel guilt over a small theft in high school. <oh, the shame!>
The school had just set up this whole salad bar lunch option for the students, and, like a lot of others (mainly female), I was excited to try out this new food choice. I assumed the crackers were free, and since I only have two hands and all, I slid a packet of saltines in the pocket of my dress <it was a jumper dress, remember this was the 80’s> just as a place to carry it. That’s when I heard others in front of me groaning about how the salad cost was by weight and the cracker packets were 10¢ a piece. It’s not like I couldn’t afford the extra dime, but I chose to keep silent about the concealed crackers. I’m sure a 10¢ offense really isn’t that bad, but funny how I still carry guilt about that incident to this day. It was wrong, plain and simple. Even though I was annoyed and didn’t agree with the school literally nickel and diming us salad eaters, it didn’t give me the right to steal the crackers.
Hmm… how to make amends …how to make amends? Is there a way for me to finally ease this guilty conscious?
I believe this calls for my awesome letter writing skills <with helpful commentary> —
Dear My Former High School <where I’m pretty sure no administrator nor teacher remains from when I attended>:
Many moons ago I took a packet of saltine crackers without paying. I am paying back this $.10 debt plus 25 years <holy shit, 25 years??> worth of interest <guestimated since I can’t find an amortization calculator that will take an input of less than $1>. Please find $1.10 included with this confession letter to repay my debt and resolve these decades of guilt.
Anonymous Former Student <like I’m gonna actually reveal my true identity to these people!>