What his baby wants, his baby gets

Gerald and I have been married a number of years now. Oh yeah, total bliss, you know it’s true. I must say that Gerald does try his best to keep his baby happy. No matter how asinine the request may seem to him, Gerald has learned to just do it anyway, no questions asked. This doesn’t mean we haven’t run into some “interesting” results along the way though.

Take for instance, The Shopping List. You just can’t get more complicated than a shopping list drafted by yours truly. You take my food intolerances, Gerald’s food preferences/dislikes, plus the boys’ favorite items, and you know it’s gonna be one crazy time-consuming trip to the grocery store. But Gerald will go for me anyway. It can be too hot, too muggy, too cold, too whatever for me, and my honey will go. Yes, I’m the one who regularly trudges to the store, but Gerald willingly goes for me when begged asked.

Gerald blames the awful handwriting, but I believe it’s more that he doesn’t pay attention to the minute detail of my typical meal planning / food preparation. Specific brands and quantity are important, Gerald.

He’s come home with corn tortilla chips instead of corn tortillas. The fix? We turned the tacos into nachos. One time Gerald got me the protein bars with the high sugar alcohol levels. Sugar alcohols and my system is just a disaster waiting to happen, people! The fix? I gave them to a co-worker. I think she was okay. I didn’t stick around to find out though.

At Thanksgiving a few years ago, Gerald was tasked with a run to the store for just two items so no list was necessary, right? Wrong. You can’t expect a man to capture the crucial details that it’s Breyer’s with a ‘B’ ice cream. Do NOT get the Dreyer’s with a ‘D’. I can only tolerate the Breyer’s, with a ‘B’. So what do you think the man comes home with? Yep, the ‘D’ ice cream. Tis okay, guess who had to make another trip to Kroger?

That same day, I tasked Gerald with buying two fall-ish floral arrangements. The man comes home with two fall-ish plants. Plants? What am I going to do with plants? Oh, that’s right, kill them. I didn’t want plants, Gerald! Solution? We kept them around long enough for the T-Day dinner, but the plants were promptly sent home with my mother-in-law. They would at least have a fighting chance! Gerald claims he didn’t really know the difference between a bouquet and a plant.

The moral of the story? What Gerald’s baby wants, Gerald’s baby gets. But not always.


18 thoughts on “What his baby wants, his baby gets”

    1. The tartar sauce wouldn’t work, huh? That’s funny. I’m pretty sure every one of my lists includes some sort of baffling ingredient/item. Sometimes I get a call for confirmation, and other times you can tell he just decided to wing it.

  1. After all these years I would think Gerald would stop before he goes to make sure he can read your handwriting and that he understands everything he’s supposed to get.

    Oh, who am I kidding? After more than twenty years of marriage I still haven’t figured that out.

    1. I was about to say, Chris… Haha. 🙂 Gerald has yet to remember to bring his readers to the store with him either so on top of my admittedly atrocious handwriting, he can’t even see the list. I do try to write really BIG though.

  2. Sounds like Gerald’s heart is in the right place. However, I think men have a hard time following a shopping list. Randy “sort of” gets my items but adds thousands more. He over-buys, to say the least. It sounds like your coping skills are there. You know when you hand that piece of paper over, your needs will be mostly met… kind of.

    1. Yeah, you can always tell who did the grocery shopping in our house by the “extras.” Gerald will get more of what he likes (nuts, chips, etc) and I do the same. I can only imagine what the pantry would look like if my boys were in charge of the shopping. I’d like to think they’d surprise me by not buying all junky stuff but probably not.

  3. We just had our Thanksgiving a couple of weeks ago and I was working 12 shifts, straight through the whole weekend but still determined to put on a turkey dinner and all the trimmings. Made my hun a list and it took him HOURS, countless texts, and many many photos, then 5 different stores,and we still had to scrap one whole dish (it was squash). Poor kid. He still hasn’t recovered.

    1. That’s something else encountered – when one store is out of a needed ingredient. Or the shopper THINKS the store is out but just doesn’t realize where they decided to hide it. Photos – I did that recently when I texted Gerald we needed lightbulbs. I took a picture of one of the ceiling fan bulbs and he comes back with bigger bulbs (equates to more wattage equates to brighter light). Now our bedroom is too bright. But whatever, we’ll live with it until other bulbs go out.

  4. I feel your pain Karen. After 21 years of marriage, I’ve pretty much taken to buying my own gifts as well (but my husband wraps them). It’s just more practical that way. He still tries to surprise me but with poor results. For example, I like to take baths with bath salts. I buy cheapie salts and scent them with my own essential oils. One year he bought me a container of bath salt from Aveda and even thought it was nice and smelled wonderful it was like $30 freaking dollars for a small container. Of salt. You know, one of the most common things on the planet. Ugh. After that it was like, “Seriously. I’ll pick out what I want. It’s better for everyone”.

    1. I was scared you were going to describe how your husband ended up buying the “bath salts” people snort! So see? The Aveeno purchase doesn’t seem so bad now, right? 🙂 Yeah, as the years have gone by, Gerald and I don’t really even try to buy surprise gifts for each other.

  5. We used to grocery shop as sort of a “date,” before the kids came along.

    I know, living the dream, right?

    Anyway, we got pretty in sync with each other’s shopping habits and preferences. Even though I’m the one who does most of the meal planning around here, he normally doesn’t screw up too badly with the shopping if he’s the one going.

    The one thing that will keep that man married to me as long as he wants? I can send him to the store for emergency feminine products. The man has not one single problem going through the check out line with a big, old box of Kotex, and nothing else.

    I don’t give a shit if he knows what quinoa is or where to find it.

    1. You definitely have a keeper there. I bet Gerald would buy me emergency feminine products. As long as he can pick up some beer as well, I don’t think he’d care. I’ll have to test this of course.

    1. I know, right? I remember giving this long drawn out speech about making sure he got the particular brand. I’m so surprised he wasn’t listening.

  6. Oh man, my ex was like this. He never met a list item he couldn’t screw up.

    I have to give Momus credit that he is typically letter perfect with the list (and more than happy to make the grocery run). And if there’s any need for clarity he will text me to make sure that he brings home the right brand and flavor of energy bar.

    1. It’s not unusual for me to receive multiple calls when Gerald is grocery shopping. I admit I can get annoyed at the calls, I rarely check my phone for texts on the weekend so he doesn’t text, but I suppose I should suck that up. It’s better if the right things come home the first time.

  7. It sounds like our fingers are similarly green, if I can put it like that. I tend to inadvertantly kill every plant I get hold of too. Sending them off with your mother-in-law strikes me as a very good idea.

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