Gerald is certain he is going to outlive me. He truly expects to make it to the ripe old age of 100. I’ve always told him to be my guest. Thus far, most of my aging experiences have been nothing but sucky. I’ve barely hit the forties, why in the world would I want to drag out my life into the hundreds?
In my early thirties I was able to get my body back after having my two boys. It was great. I was showing off my washboard stomach and popping my biceps at every opportunity. But then I turned around and saw that while I had worked so hard on my abs and arms, my butt had all but disappeared. Where it went I’m still not sure. It was a little late in the game to find out that’s what all the talk about “squeezing” is when you’re working your butt/legs. Who knew? Apparently, not me. But you see, losing the perk in your backside doesn’t happen when you’re still in your twenties. So be warned, young’uns, don’t lose your ass! If you’re not careful, it could happen to you.
Then the forties started creeping in. Hey, where did they come from? No one invited them here to start turning me older. I already have enough on my plate, thank you. I’ve noticed my memory isn’t as sharp. It’s still okay (for now), but thoughts often vanish. I’ll be thinking about something and then Boop! It’s gone, just like that. And I’ll have to fess up to my thought train derailing while in the middle of a work conversation no doubt. People my age or older usually offer understanding and sympathy. I believe they can relate to my plight of the disappearing thoughts.
My forties also introduced me to my first back outage. Wow, that was a bitch. I hope to never go back there again. I have also lost muscle. You know how I carried on about my big biceps and tight abs up there at the top? Yeah well, they’ve shrunk a bit since then. Well I guess the stomach hasn’t actually shrunk, quite the opposite, but you know what I’m talkin ’bout. I’ve also noticed my skin has lost some of its elasticity. Wrinkles, funky skin colorings, eyesight is going to pot. Aren’t the forties fun?
My mom used to keep me informed of her aging adventures until I told her to please stop. I don’t want to be looking (and most likely with paranoia) for these inevitable events to occur. Pretty sure I’ll get a chance to experience them, I’d rather they come as a surprise though. Maybe. Oh, I don’t know. Could indecisiveness also be a sign of getting older? Oh wait, I’ve always been indecisive. Never mind.
But back to the whole Gerald thing — Gerald is facing his own aging challenges as well. I know because I have to hear all about them. So while the hubs is all gung ho about making it to 100 and plans on leaving me well behind in the process, I can’t even imagine the sorts of challenges, both physical and mental, one faces in “centenarianhood.” I for one expect to croak by at least my mid nineties. Sayonora, Gerald. (And no matter what you say, you know you’ll miss me!)