My embarrassing bucket list

Oh no, I’m not going to list things that would be an embarrassment to me, this is a “to do” list of all the embarrassing things I want to accomplishment for the sole benefit of my boys!

**All items listed must be done in front of, or at least within earshot, of my children’s friends**

  1. Speak long and loud about the importance of clean underwear.
  2. Give a “stranger danger” pop quiz while in transit.
  3. Turn up the country music and sing like there’s no tomorrow.  <–car, house, in public, it doesn’t matter where
  4. Loudly encourage them not to eat so much, reminding them about the explosive diarrhea they had the last time they ate like that.
  5. Dress in 80’s style sweatpants, with banana clip hairdo. <–Oh how I miss banana clips!  Not too long ago, a friend and I actually talked about trying to push for a banana clip comeback.
  6. Talk as if I know who all the latest kid-favorite celebrities are.  Make up names and act shocked that they’ve never heard of Bananarama. <–Oh wait, that really was an 80’s band.  I like bananas.  Banana clip, Bananarama…  I am kind of hungry.
  7. Kiss their dad and smack his ass, laughing, “Go grab me a beer, sugar lips!”
  8. Stand in front of the TV so nobody can see it. <–we still have one of the “old fashioned” big screens that is heavy and sits on the floor!  How embarrassing!  Maybe “Have a heavy big screen tv” should be it’s own embarrassing bucket list item.
  9. Go in their room, not saying anything, and sit on the bed to hear the latest kid gossip (and act interested).  <–I’ve done this sort of thing before, it’s funny how they all stop talking at once and look at you in uncomfortable silence.  Mission accomplished.  Yes!!
  10. Address them by their special pet name / nickname. <–I do this strictly out of habit; that’s just the name I use all the time, I don’t even think about it.  But the uncomfortable squirm when I do it in front of their friends?  Priceless!

So I guess it’s not a 100% ‘bucket’ bucket list as I’ve already done some of these (definitely 1, sort of 2, definitely 10), but I suppose having the list will ensure I remember to do everything well into the future.

–kd

bananaclip
Long live the banana clip!

If your marriage can survive these two things, you’re solid

1) If you are able to survive a move with your spouse, then this is good, it’s good!  It does not matter how big or small the move is; you could be moving a chair to a different spot (IN THE SAME ROOM); this act can prove bru-tal.  A few weeks after Gerald and I were married, we chose a Friday night to pack up what was left in my apartment.  Gerald, being a man and all, figured we’d be out of there in an hour, tops.  He kept his short time estimate to himself, by the way.  It was mainly the kitchen we had to pack, so how much stuff could Karen possibly cram into her tiny apartment kitchen?  You sooo know that’s what he was thinking.  Well, after the 3rd hour of packing and still pulling out cooking utensils and gadgets from nooks and crannies one wouldn’t even know existed, I believe he discovered that his new wife could pack A LOT of shit into a tiny space.  We were finding things I didn’t even remember I had.  And no, no way — You are not throwing out any of my plastic food storage containers!  I don’t care how many keep falling out of the cabinet and that I’m only one person with enough Tupperware containers to handle the leftovers for a family of ten!  That reminds me, I really need some new Tupperware…  Anyway, this simple move resulted in our first real big fight as man and wife.  And since we now lived in the same apartment, we could no longer go to our separate corners (apartments) like we would do after having an argument (prior to our getting hitched).  I believe Gerald and I both knew going in, that marriage takes work; I just don’t think we realized we would be tested so soon!  But we did make it through the experience, and I think we even came out a little stronger.  This first move was able to give us preparation for when we moved from our newlywed one-bedroom to a two-bedroom in the same complex, and then our next bigger step of moving into a house.  All of these moving experiences had their misery, and sometimes even the smallest rearranging of something in the house still invokes stress, but we get through it.

2) If you are able to survive the first six months of your first-born’s life, then this is good, it’s good!  Our first kid?  Now that was hard.  He was so colicky and fussy and up during the night literally every two hours, for–The First. Six. Months.  Gerald and I were exhausted and totally sleep deprived.  We would fight about whose turn it was to get up with the baby because we were both so tired.  We would find ourselves fighting during daylight hours as well.  We were short-fused and would blow over the other’s littlest infractions.  It was rough.  That proved to be a very trying time for us as a couple.  Gerald likes to tell our first-born that his little brother may have come along sooner if the first go-round hadn’t been such a rough period!  But like most (traumatic?) events in life, what you can survive will just make you that much stronger.

Blog entry wrap up — My blog “to do” list:

  • Write something (?) for my About Me page
  • Figure out how to do a blog hits counter (to confirm my gazillions of blog readers (right??))
  • Find the best pic of myself to put on my blog (or at least a catchy image)
  • Figure out how to put a pic or image on my blog
  • Create a catchy closing line or phrase to end every blog. I’m thinking, something like, “COL! –kd” You know, COL = Crank Out Loud? And then my initials? Get it? Who’s with me? Any other suggestions?
  • Invite my gazillions of blog readers (right??) to leave comments and to share their experiences (but don’t be too sensitive to any critical comments)

–kd

My second blog entry ever

My first blog entry ever was met with much enthusiasm by my gazillions of blog readers (right??) so the pressure is ON for the second blog entry to be just as good, or even better! <gulp>  I’ve actually been drafting several blog entries behind the scenes, previous to my <sound the trumpets> official blog launching, and I’m trying to determine which of these to post first.  And then I’ve had new ideas bouncing around in my head since the blog launching.  So I don’t know if I want to publish my already-in-the-can THANK YOU, CLEANING LADIES, or a new blog idea titled, I REALIZE THE ONLY EMBARRASSING STORIES I CAN EVER POST ON MY BLOG CAN ONLY BE ABOUT ME OR THE DOG UNLESS I WANT TO FACE SOME SORT OF UNCOMFORTABLE SOCIAL SHUNNING OR A POTENTIAL LAWSUIT.  Hmm… I think I just wrote the whole blog entry for the second one there.  The title itself sort of gives it all away, no?  So without further ado, I give you, huh hum, THANK YOU, CLEANING LADIES —

We have our house cleaned every other week, and although I know I should be grateful that I do get every-other-week relief from my perpetually cluttered/dirty/messy house, I find myself complaining about how the ladies leave some areas or things in the house. For instance, thankfully I noticed the showerhead was facing up towards the ceiling before turning on the shower this morning. Thank you, cleaning ladies. And I have to go around the whole house–okay, it doesn’t really take that long to go around my house, but still–and flip the window blinds back the other way, the way everybody knows they’re supposed to go!  Thank you, cleaning ladies.  One day I spent 40 minutes looking for the small vacuum attachment, only to discover they had put it inside the Halloween pumpkin bucket at the top of the closet.  Thank you, cleaning ladies.  This last visit, I noticed one of our sofa cushions was zipper-side out; oh, and it still is. <sigh>  Thank you, cleaning ladies.  These are all small infractions, I know, and I should be thankful we actually have a cleaning service (we’ve kept for almost a year now–that’s gotta be a record!), but I suppose I am set in my ways of cleaning.  That and I always have this nagging guilt that I should be the super woman-mom that is able to do it all, balance it all — work, home, family, life.  I should be able to work full-time, cook healthy meals for my family, stay physically fit, oh, and keep a clean and orderly house, all without flipping out from the stress.  Right?  Right, that’s gonna happen.  But at least having the cleaning service does prevent that little bit of extra stress that could totally send me over the edge. So for that, I have to say, and Gerald probably has to say, seeing as his wife hasn’t gone completely crazy (at least not yet), “Thank you, cleaning ladies!”

Hmm… maybe I should have published my still-has-yet-to-be-written THE ACCIDENTAL PORN SURFER entry to spice things up a bit. Yeah, that got your attention, right?! Such a title, pretty much any title with the word “porn” in it, will pique the interest. And no perverted pun intended there. And if you don’t know what potential pun I’m referencing then don’t worry about it, you’re a much nicer person than I. But really, the “porn” story is simply about a misunderstanding, oh, and porn, but the accidental viewing of porn.  Well, now maybe I’m not leaving much to actually blog about for that one.  But no worries, I’m sure all will be exposed in due time.  Again, no perverted porn pun intended.  Now I’m wondering if I need to add something about being a pervert on my yet-to-be-crafted About Me page, all this talk about porn and perversion.  Okay now, where was I?  Obviously, I do need to include something about my tendency to ramble.  Hmm…

And then this looks like an appropriate moment to wrap up my second blog entry ever! Thanks bunches to whomever happens to still be reading!

And call out to SW — I think the comment filtering tool thingee may have mistaken your comment as SPAM. I saw some message about how it “already detected 1 SPAM comment.” ?? I still have lots to figure out regarding this thing called “blogging,” obviously, huh hum..

–kd

My first blog entry ever

Okay, so here we go.  So here it is, the start of it all.  I just started this blog, I mean, JUST started this blog, so I thought I’d give all my gazillions of blog readers (right??) a little background on who I am and what I’m all about.  Be warned, this is really shallow deep stuff and won’t take much effort to read at all could take a while.

It all started on my birthday 40+ years ago…  Oh wait… I suppose I don’t need to go back THAT far, but I am a woman in my (fabulous!) forties and I like to think that other women in their (fabulous!) forties, and (fabulous!) thirties even, can relate to some of my what my husband would deem “crazy” woman thoughts–he thinks all women are at least a little touched–and I thought I’d share some of them here, with the goal of giving like-minded women a good chuckle or at least a smirk or knowing smile will do.

My husband’s name is Gerald and we have two boys.  I debated about if I wanted to be an anonymous blogger or not, and I’ve decided I’ll go ahead and lay it all out there, but I haven’t yet decided if I want to be completely out there with the names of my kiddos.  Maybe I can reference them as older son and younger son.  Hmm… maybe not, but we’ll see how that goes when we get there.  I may end up throwing their names into the mix eventually.  Gerald is only the best husband ever!  I mean, really.  Another concern I have about starting a blog is sharing such personal thoughts and experiences with the world.  It’s a little unnerving.  I can end up hurting a loved-one’s feelings or revealing some scandalous secret.  So I gotta watch what I say, right?  Gerald, are you reading this?  I only have nice things to say about you!  Umm… really.  Actually, Gerald already commented that my writing topic ideas do not interest him AT ALL.  If the writing isn’t related to boxing or golf, forget about it.  I informed him that, thankfully, he is not my target demographic.  He is not a woman.  And to this part, the part about not being a woman, he is forever grateful.

I’m getting carried away, rambling too much.  That’s one of my traits right there — rambling.  Friends at work have figured out they just have to come out and tell me to shut up.  I take it in stride; I know they really love me.  Right?  Anyway, more about me — I love to write, mostly shallow deep-like thoughts to keep things light, for the most part.  I love to play around with the words in a sentence.  I’ve been known to go searching for a synonym for a word in a technical document.  A technical document, people!  I am constantly reading up on best grammatical practices.  I utilize Grammar Girl a lot.  She is one cool chick.  I love to read, mostly shallow deep-like chick-lit novels.  Like my writing, my favorite reading is fun and light, with the insights only going so deep.  I have never been one to get all into symbolism in poems or stories.  Just give it to me straight, please.

There I go again.  Okay, I’ll wrap up this intro blog entry.  I’ve wanted to do this blog thing for a while.  I suppose I’ll start out slow and careful and then just see where it goes.  I hope you enjoy reading my entries; usually they will be random titles that have popped into my head.  Like, I’ve always wanted to write an article about how death is an inconvenience.  Yeah, that’s right, it’s an inconvenience (umm… at least for the living); there’s never a perfect time on all affected parties’ calendars.  But alas, that’s a blog entry for another day.  Huh hmm…  Oh, I forgot, something really important — I wanted to say a little something about how I came up with the title for my blog.  So there’s this guy at work who had a blog a few years ago, I don’t think he has it anymore, but when he told me the name of his, I just had to switch it around in my head for something more appropriate for me, if I ever had my own blog, that is!  That’s how “Crank Out Loud” came to be, “crank” kind of referring to “cranky pants.”  And most of my thoughts are snarky and cranky.  I suppose I am a happy person for the most part, but I’ll always find something to “crank” about.  Most of my entries will be just that.

Thank you and I hope to post AT LEAST once a week and be conversing with you, my gazillions of blog readers (right??) soon!  Hmm… I wonder if I’ll sell advertising space on this thing.

–kd

A (sometimes) cranky blog