It’s been a bad week of rain and skitters

stomachache
A pic of Gerald’s sore stomach

I’m pretty sure the Bloggess is onto something when she says Texas is trying to kill us. We’ve had flooding out the wazoo here recently. There has been some serious property damage and even some tragic deaths. And yeah, I’m thinking it’s gotta be frogs and/or locusts next. What gives, Texas?

So not only is Texas trying to kill us Texans this week, I almost killed Gerald. No, not on purpose. Every weekend I do the grocery shopping and cook like a fiend, prepping for the upcoming week’s meals. Before starting my list (which is probably the only exception to my list resistance), I’ll ask Gerald what he may have in mind for lunches/dinners for the coming week. I’ll usually provide a few suggestions (and then he usually agrees and if he doesn’t agree I still make what I suggested anyway). We hadn’t had my chicken curry in a while so I suggested the curry and this tasty turkey meatball recipe, courtesy of my (ex) trainer Sagi. The curry recipe is quite involved (well, at least I consider it involved) and so it takes a little effort (read: It’s a pain in the ass).

Even though I’ve made this chicken dish multiple times now, somehow… a little salmonella must have slipped in there. I’m guessing with all my multitasking and the moving about of clean and dirty bowls, dishes, pots/pans, and utensils, I inadvertently ended up cross-contaminating cooked and raw. Gerald and I packed our lunches for the next day and he went ahead and fixed a portion to eat right then. I wasn’t that hungry. Really, I wasn’t hungry at the moment, nothing suspicious to see here. Anyway, Gerald said the chicken was excellent (as usual). But then early the next morning, my honey got hit with a serious case of the skitters. For those who are not ‘in the know’, here’s Urban Dictionary’s top definition of the word “skitters”The equivalent of pissing shit out of your anus. For the everyday yuppie, it is more commonly known as diarrhea. For those who prefer more spice in their everyday chit-chat, it is known as the Hershey Squirts.

This recent salmonella poisoning really wouldn’t be that bad if it had not been for a similar murder attempt years and years (yes, and years) earlier when Gerald and I were dating. I used to try new recipes all the time and Gerald got to be the guinea pig. Most recipes were from my Taste of Home (TOH) magazines. Most of the TOH recipes use “reasonable” ingredients and aren’t all fancy shmancy gourmet. I guess you could say they’re practical, and thus right up my alley.

One particular evening I decided to make a turkey sausage meatball spaghetti. It was easy enough. And as luck would have it, I had all the ingredients. I had a pound of ground turkey stashed away in my freezer so I would just thaw that out. I always figured ground meat keeps fine frozen for infinity (and beyond), right? I had probably had that meat in there for about a year. I admit I thought the meat smelled a little funny when I was handling it, but I wasn’t that familiar with ground turkey so I figured the funk smell was normal. Gerald arrived right as I was finishing up. I served the spaghetti up on a couple plates and waited for Gerald to take a bite and then he could tell me how much he liked it (like he was required to do and still is). He took a bite and hesitated for a split second. Then he goes in for another bite, stops with fork midway to his mouth and he tells me, “I’m sorry, I just can’t do this.” And then I was all like, “Does it smell a little funny?” And he said, “Yes.” And I said, “I thought it smelled kind of weird, but I thought maybe that’s how it was supposed to smell.” We ordered a pizza.

Gerald later told me he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and so that’s why he went for the second bite. He said he was giving himself a pep-talk of sorts in his head. Come on, you can do this! But, in the end, he just couldn’t. And I’m glad, because I wasn’t trying to kill him, that night or even the other night. Really. Really, Gerald.

So back to the tainted curry chicken. I was pretty frustrated about the whole thing. Do you know I individually peeled and sliced carrots and squeezed limes and lovingly hand crushed red pepper flakes with my spice grinder?? I was toying with the idea of eating the chicken to prove to Gerald that it wasn’t my cooking that made him sick. It just had to be something else. But would the chance of getting salmonella poisoning be worth it? The diarrhea, the cramping stomach, the vomiting, the fever, aches and pains. Hmm… maybe not. Meatballs it is.

–kd

16 thoughts on “It’s been a bad week of rain and skitters”

  1. Doesn’t salmonella die if you cook the meat properly? And even if it doesn’t it sounds like it may be the meat and something is slipping through in spite of all your effort. But “if it smells funky throw it out” is definitely a good rule to live by–emphasis on the “live”.

    1. Still don’t know for sure if it was the chicken, but like I mentioned, I’m not gonna test that out. I’m guessing it could have happened close to the end when I had a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink and maybe I touched something against something else, not sure really. For future though maybe I’ll fix one thing at a time. I was doing multiple things at once.

  2. Poor Gerald! It’s bad enough to get food poisoning. It’s even worse if the poisoning was done by a loved one.

    “I cooked this for you to show you my love!”.

    “Uh, I’m OK if you just have feelings of ‘like’ for me in the future.”

    One time when I was first married (20 years ago!) I sauteed some mushrooms. Russians LOVE mushrooms. So do I. I’m pretty sure I was in a hurry and did a piss poor job of cleaning the mushrooms (I was young and stupid and didn’t think it was a big deal). I must have eaten something more than dirt because afterwards I have never vomited so profusely in my life. My husband has cast-iron intestines so he was fine. I’ve learned to always wash produce REALLY well since that incident.

  3. Oh wow, you sound like me. The other night I cooked a brownish steak that smelled a tad funky, but hey, the date said it was okay. In the end, nobody got the “skitters” (totally gotta use that on the family sometime), but I made a meatloaf the other night that was so soggy in the center that my son chewed it, held it in his mouth and then exclaimed “Nope. I can’t” before running to the trashcan to eject it. Oh, why can’t we just call for a pizza, right? 😉

    1. That’s funny. I think the hardest part for me is all the time and effort spent on preparing what was supposed to be a nice meal/dessert. I hate that that all goes to waste.

  4. I spent most of yesterday also suffering the skitters.
    Other words for it used up ‘ere in’t north are:

    Runny Bum
    Runs
    Squirty Bum
    The Shits
    Trots
    Arse Quake
    ‘Coming out of both ends’ (for when it’s REALLY bad)

    My particular arse quake had nothing to do with food poisoning though, it was because I drank for 13 hours straight without eating. Silly boy.

    1. When you’re out in the sun and you feel something run – diarrhea. diarrhea. Sorry, it’s Friday, I’m feeling extra juvenile. Okay, I’ve heard runs and trots (hell, it sounds like we’re talking about a pony!), and the shits (that’s just a given) and coming out of both ends. The others are new terms I’ll have to add to add to my potty talk (literally) collection. And yeah, too much alcohol will do that to me too. A friend calls it the beer shits.

  5. I have learned a new term today in “skitters”. I cannot eat at a restaurant again if I have even a hint of a stomach issue after eating there once. Your post has me thinking that if I accidentally semi-poison us at home I get a free pass from all future cooking activities… Hmmmmm…

    1. It IS an idea. Funny story – The use of the term ‘skitters’, at least for my family, originated back in Scotland when Gerald’s grandfather had to write down his ailment at the doctor’s office and he didn’t know how to spell ‘diarrhea’ so he put ‘skitters’. Pretty sure the doctor learned a new term that day as well.

  6. Nowadays, you need a Haz Mat suit just to visit someone in hospital. You may as well just eat it, and keep the Vaseline handy. (Its better and cheaper than OTC bootie medications.)

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