DDIY (except for unicorn poop cookies)

I already have “just because” stresses in my life.  Just because I’m closer to middle-age.  Just because I’m a wife.  Just because I’m a mother.  Just because I work full-time.  Just because. Just because. Just because.

Then you have the cutsie mommy blogs and articles adding to the pressure.  How about a 10 (only 10!) step article to make the latest designer crap of the moment with your kid?  Or maybe a 10 step, or wait, maybe it’s a mere 20 step, “how to be a better parent” article to really make you feel like a sucky inept parent?  Well now, why don’t you take your 10/20 step articles with all the other 10/20 steps from the other millions of magazine/blog articles, and shove them where the sun don’t shine!

I recently added a mommy-type blog feed to my Facebook, either out of curiosity or for pure torture, I’m not sure which, and, I kid you not, craft ideas, recipes, homework helpers, kid fashions, mom fashions, save the world recycling ideas, fun pictures, hobby ideas, etc, pop up multiple times a day.  I don’t get it.  Is this what these mommies are doing all day?  They have time to come up with the perfect edible playdough (in multiple colors dyed by organic vegetables, no doubt)?  And they have time to come up with the most awesomist dog costume for the most awesomist most perfect flaw-free non poop rolling dog?  They’re so busy giving other mommies unattainable ideas and guilt complexes, when do they actually have time to parent their perfect little children?

Don’t you think I’d love to have that perfect little life all wrapped up in the perfectly (recycled because ya gotta save the goddamn planet too!) DIY wrapped little box?

Okay, let’s take out the perfectly staged and organized home, the perfect husband and kids, and the beautifully weed-free manicured lawn.  Oh, and don’t forget the sparkling pool that somehow seems to take care of itself!  Now, what’s left?  How about a messy outdated house, because it takes time and money–oh, how I wish it only took a magic wand!–to do these things, to have these things. And not all families have such time and money.  I believe most families have to live in the “real” real world, and, like me, they probably are annoyed at all these perfect mom articles nudging the rest of us to do things their way, suggesting their way is the better way.

So… here are some blog/article/list ideas I believe would actually be welcome and helpful to most of us moms out here in the real world.  Take note, this is a (measly) five item list!

1. Guilt free DDIY (DON’T Do It Yourself)!  <hint: get someone else to do it or buy the thing already made for Pete’s sake.  Screw toilet paper rolls and material scraps.>

2. One <because any more steps is just too damn many> easy step to declutter your house of all the schoolwork paper crap your kids bring home  <hint: it’s called a trashcan>

3. Great cheap/fast eat ideas <forget healthy, it’s a miracle to just get food on the table or in the car>  <hint: it’s called McDonald’s>

4. Real super moms are super bitches  <And boy do I know (and respect and love!) some real super moms>

5. The five second hair stylist guide  <because sometimes five seconds is all the time you have>

Okay, I have to confess that on occasion there are some mommy blog ideas I actually like–I’m only human!–and one such idea is these unicorn poop cookies.  Now this recipe is awesome and funnier than, well, you know.

Unicorn poop cookies

But I’m still going to remove that mommy blog feed from my FB.


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