Often times while I am reading my daily dose of Dear Abby, I wish I could be the one who gets to dole out answers. So I thought I’d take it upon myself to actually go through the exercise of providing invaluable advice, in Crankoutloud style, of course —
DEAR CRANK OUT LOUD: My girlfriend and I have been together for three years and I treat her like a queen. The problem is that she still finds things to start a fight about. What do I do? –I’M A LOVER, NOT A FIGHTER
DEAR WUSS: Okay, here’s what you gotta do. It may sound counterintuitive, but your lady is looking for you to “man up.” Start by revealing a personal flaw or disgusting habit. And if you can’t think of any flaws to reveal, then make something up for Pete’s sake. Your girlfriend needs to have SOMETHING to complain about and you are giving her zero material. When she is hanging with the girls, what does she have to offer? When her friends are whining and complaining about their men, what’s she got? She doesn’t want to come back with, “Well, my man sends me flowers every week and offers to paint my toenails!” Nooo! It’s got to be more like, “Yeah, I totally understand why you’re angry at Bart, Cindy, my Tony always leaves the seat up too!” Once you’ve exposed a few imperfections and driven her mad with those, continue to come up with more, and be sure to mix it up a bit to keep things interesting. Trust me, taking such measures will only strengthen your relationship. You gotta become a fighter to be a lover. And if you should end up in splitsville, well, don’t blame me. Do I look like a marriage counselor or something? Don’t be such a cheapskate and pay for a counseling session. Gees.
DEAR CRANK OUT LOUD: I am a recent widower in my mid-forties and have two teenage sons. I’m wondering the appropriate amount of time to wait until I start dating again. –WANTING SOME ACTION
DEAR WANTING: Although I’m sure most advice columnists would tell you to date whenever you feel the time is right, that there is no standard waiting period for such things, I’ll give it to you straight. Oh sure, you’re gonna have lots of single ladies sniffing around, but you gotta tell them to get lost. No one can replace your beautiful wife, so my advice is to not even try. In fact, you should start building a shrine in her honor immediately and spend the rest of your days here on earth remembering all the loving things she did for you and how you are totally devastated that she is gone and that you will NEVER get over her and you NEVER want to start dating again. How can you even THINK about dating again?? Oh, sorry, I guess I’m getting a little carried away. This is the advice I would want Dear Abby to give to my Gerald if I were to expire first. Better advice for you would be to ask Dear Abby.
Maybe I’m not so good at this advice column stuff after all.